Weddings

Summer being the wedding season, I am always dragged by my husband to ceremonies and receptions. Yesterday was another of those weddings where you see stressed brides wearing the wrong hairstyle, unable to breath because of the corsets being too tight. When you go to these events twice a week of your summer holiday, you don't anymore feel the buzz. Instead, you become impatient at bridesmaids constantly disappearing to have a fag, groomsmen unable to restrain gulping bottles of champagne, and children stiff and incapable of smiling because they're either too hot in their clothes or their shoes don't fit at all.

It is always complicated when it is time for formal portraits. The bride's and groom's parents are either separated, divorced, have different partners, don't talk to one another, don't want to be seen together, ignore each other, or don't want to be photographed together. If you're the professional photographer, you have to know this beforehand or risk upsetting/making everybody uncomfortable and stiff in the photos.

There is one thing that annoys me about brides. It's their dress! When a bride walks, she always picks up her dress, like it's some heavy artillery. She never lets her dress carry her; she carries it like she's outside of it. During the reception, she acts like she's still trying her dress on, while she's surrounded by 100 men and women measuring how it fits her overly-tanned body. She's not herself. She's being plastered by heavy make-up like she's on a circus show. How would a groom know it's her?

The groom, if not shaking like a leaf, behaves like a corpse. You won't know if he understands what you're saying; he just grins like a dead hyena. His head is usually off his body and his hands are contanstly rearranging his tie, as if that's what kills him in the first place.

There is always an overweight bridesmaid in every wedding. It's fine, as long as the dress doesn't pretend to be smaller than what she really is. I always worry because their breasts could pop out, you know, and how would a bride feels if her groom is resurrected just by looking at those heavy-weights?!

And the guests! I think they should practise wearing high heels at home before going to the reception. Their hats should fit their heads, their dresses should fit well, and they should remember that it's the bride and groom's day, not theirs. Even if you're the mother of the bride, you shouldn't wear a barbie pink if the motiff is purple.