How to be British

There is only one way to become a citizen of Britain: know how to talk about the weather.

You don't need to become a weather forecaster; you just need to have an eye for the weather and the right words and phrases to go with it. Learning to say something about it will take you a long way across the British Isles and into the arms of the most stiff-upper-lipped British.

'Lovely day, isn't it?' is one conversation opener. Obviously, it has to be a lovely day as well or else you'll sound like a moron who says good when it's bad. You also need to learn how to moan. A lot. 'Ugh, It's too warm! I canna cope wi' this, ya know!' Or 'Horrible, innit? Bloody cold again, whadaya know?!'

Sometimes, it's just a straightforward commentary:

'Pissing again, isn't it?'
'It is, isn't it? Awful!'
'It was exactly like this ten years ago.'
'It was, wasn't it.'
'Oh, I remember it very well. 1998 it was.'
'Yeah, 1998. Yeah!'
'Or was it 1997? Yeah, 1997 I think it was.'
'Yeah, it was 1997.'
'I don't like the rain at all. I can't cope with it.'
'No, I don't like it either. No.'
'I don't like it when it gets too hot as well.'
'No, I don't like the heat.'

And so on and so forth. The secret is agreeing all the time to whoever you're talking with, especially if that person comes from the north of England.

Britain doesn't have tropical storms or hurricane and yet when the weather changes, like when it's been raining and then it stops and the sun comes out, oh! there's so much to talk about like a miracle has just happened.

And if the weather gets too bad and you have exhausted all the phrases you learned and you're fed up agreeing all the time, just put the kettle on and have a cup of tea. Yes, you also need to learn to drink tea with milk if you want to continue being British!